LIFE GOES ON ...

Sometimes we do things without thinking, then are left to wonder later why we did what we did. Circumstances change & one is left to find a new 'normal' in their life. The Bible sais something about he who puts his hand to the plow & looks back is not fit for the family of God. So I suppose the lesson is that looking backward to our shoulda's, woulda's, coulda's, if's, ands, & buts...serves us no good purpose. That we can't 'undo' what is done. We can only make the most of where we are in the given day.

Sis & I both beat ourselves up a lot about things we've done that have culminated in our mutual present state of living. We both second guess ourselves about what was so bad about the lives we had that we had to go & screw everything all up. But then we both have to realize that had we been at all happy, we wouldn't have made our choices as we did, ending in separation & divorce.

She thinks of Ricky all the time...regretting her actions. I think of Ronnie & just think that 'if only he hadn't drank like he did'. If given half a chance she'd run back to Ricky in a heartbeat, for she still loves him. On my part...I think that I simply miss the financial security. Oh sure. There are certain aspects about Ronnie that I miss. I didn't spend 18 yrs with him not have liked something about him. I have to be careful sometimes to not mentally compare Billy & Ronnie. For the two are nothing alike. I think a part of me does still love Ronnie. But he wouldn't do the most important thing & i couldn't live with it.

The problem I'm seeing in myself these days is being afraid to actually rise up & take charge of my own life. I'm still depending on others, both emotionally & monetarily. Somehow I'm trying to reach deep inside of myself & lean on that serenity prayer. But I'm also afraid that if I 'stretch my wings' I might not make it. I might fall & find myself alone & desparate. "God grant me the serenity to accept the things i cannot change; the courage to change the things i can; & the wisdom to know the difference." Am I so afraid of self sufficiency? And if so ... why?

So where does Ronnie & Billy play in all this? Ronnie has moved on, with, I hear, a scanky looking woman who looks like she's been rode hard & put up wet. I've moved on with Billy who has some physical problems that are an issue in our relationship. Do I love Billy? Yes I do. But not in the same way I loved Ronnie. Ronnie helped raise my children, was a wonderful provider, good friend, yet ultimately let alcohol destroy what magic there was. Billy has been my heart's first love since the age of 16. Even when I divorced the 2nd time, I had wished to run into him even way back then. Our hearts have sought one another for 30 years. Ours is a different kind of love than I shared with Ronnie.

I lost respect for Ronnie on several levels. I don't know why he let everything get in the way. I miss the way things used to be. I was secure. But people started butting in. Circumstances changed & the wrong things took priority in his perspective. And I fell out of love with him to some degree.

Unlike my sister, I can't say that i would go running back to ronnie if given the chance. a lot....& I do mean a LOT of things would have to change before that were possible. And knowing Ronnie as I do...it will never happen.

But I also can't say that I haven't considered running from Billy either. Uncertainty of the future has a great deal to do with it. this is my 4th relationship. I'm beginning to think something's wrong with me & the choices I'm making in my world. Can't be far from the truth.

Anyway, those are my thoughts for the moment. I'm borrowing Sunny, my friend's gaited palomino, this week & sister & i are going for a long ride up at Lake Hawkins. About a 4 hour ride. I'm looking forward to that a lot. We're going by ourselves, without any men tagging along to drag us down emotionally.

Well that's it for now. Hope ya'lls world is going alright. Take care.